Ron Reigns:
Welcome, and thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption with Kelly Rourke-Scarry and me, Ron Reigns, where we delve into the issues of adoption from every angle of the adoption triad.
Speaker 2:
Do what’s best for your kid and for yourself, because if you can’t take care of yourself, you’re definitely not going to be able to take care of that kid, and that’s not fair.
Speaker 3:
And I know that my daughter would be well taken care of with them.
Speaker 4:
Don’t have an abortion. Give this child a chance.
Speaker 5:
All I could think about was needing to save my son.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
My name is Kelly Rourke-Scarry. I am the executive director, president, and co-founder of Building Arizona Families adoption agency, the Donna K. Evans Foundation, and creator of the You Before Me campaign. I have a bachelor’s degree in family studies and human development, and a master’s degree in education with an emphasis in school counseling. I was adopted at the age of three days, born to a teen birth mother, raised in a closed adoption, and reunited with my birth mother in 2007. I have worked in the adoption field for over 15 years.
Ron Reigns:
And I’m Ron Reigns. I’ve worked in radio since 1999. I was the co-host of two successful morning shows in Prescott, Arizona. Now I work for my wife, who’s an adoption attorney, and I’m able to combine these two great passions and share them on this podcast.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
One question, as an adoption worker, that I get asked, it’s pretty frequent, and we’re using these podcasts as a platform to get information out there to educate society of what all aspects of adoption are like, is, does it put pressure on family members? I would say that the working adoption community behind the scenes, what we’re exposed to, the truth, the myths, and more, is really something that we need to dive into, because adoption isn’t just a birth mother, a baby, and an adoptive family. It takes a community. Ron, you know this better than anybody else because your evenings and weekends and lifestyle is interrupted just as much as our household is.
Ron Reigns:
Right, constantly.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Constantly. What’s funny is, as we’ve shared before, not only is Lisa the attorney for Building Arizona Families, but you’re also my brother-in-law. So when we have a mom that delivers, it’s like everything halts in our family.
Ron Reigns:
Right. Yeah. That family gathering we were going to do, the picnic in the park, that all gets put on hold, but everybody understands it because they’re all involved.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. It’s true.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
As we begin this podcast, I want to emphasize I’m speaking from my personal experience. I know, Ron, you’re speaking from your personal experience-
Ron Reigns:
Absolutely.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
… as well as the opinions and stories from adoption colleagues and coworkers that have been shared with me. When I’m hiring a new social worker for the adoption agency, I describe working in the adoption field as the best and worst job you’ll ever have. Even calling it a job is really a loose term because it really becomes a lifestyle, a passion, a mission, an all-consuming force, and that doesn’t ever stop. You’re laughing because you know how true-
Ron Reigns:
Because I’m in this force. Right.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Exactly. When you work in the adoption world, it’s an emotional roller coaster. Time is no longer your own. You do formulate beliefs, and they become rock solid. You become resolute, and not only do you become resolute, but those that you love and care about around you, you want them to adopt the same passion with the velocity that you have. You want everybody to get on that bus and be shouting out the windows because this has become your all. This is another child per se, is what it is like working in the adoption world.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
As the director of the agency, and having been adopted, I guess mine is twofold. Our poor children are just exposed to this times two. I have had workers over the last, now, 16 years that have been in the agency for five years, six years, and it sometimes becomes too much. It’s more than they can stand, and it’s affecting their family members. Then I have my lifers, the ones that have been with us and I don’t think I could get out the door if I wanted to, because this is their whole existence.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
In talking about this, I thought it would be really fun to dive into it and help people understand why it is the way that it is, the excitement, the emotional roller coaster. When you’re working with a woman who is placing a baby for adoption, even as a trained social worker who has worked with many women, you do get, I don’t want to say sucked in, but you do get drawn into her emotions, because you care. That’s why we’re social workers. This is not for the paycheck, obviously. It is because we love what we do and we want to help others. We really want to help.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
When they’re having a hard day and you’re getting a text at 9:00 at night, it’s not that you can just put your phone away. You have to respond, not because the job says you have to, because-
Ron Reigns:
But because you care.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
You care, and you want to make sure she’s okay. An example. Last night, I was watching a new series with one of my sons, and I was texting a new mom that was coming into our program. Actually, this week she’s coming in. We were texting back and forth, and my son was saying, “This is our day time. Do you have to be on the phone?”
Ron Reigns:
Can this wait?
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Of course, it was really respectful and everything. I said, “I’m so sorry, but I do. This is our lifestyle,” and he knew. It stopped there in terms of the questions, because as much as we want to be everything for everybody, we can’t clone ourselves. The adoption world is, in a lot of ways, like quicksand. It just kind of sucks you in, and once you get in, you’re never getting out.
Ron Reigns:
Right. Either that or you’ve got your five-year term and I’ve got to get out.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. Yeah, right.
Ron Reigns:
Out of curiosity, when you have an employee, and you were comparing them, you’ve got your five-year ones and your lifers, what do you think the ratio is? Obviously, especially when you first get into this field, you’re passionate about it and you’re all-in. It’s not to criticize anybody. It is a very taxing lifestyle to continue, and that’s for them to get out. But what do you think the ratio is between those who stay a little while and those that stay for the long haul?
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I can actually tell you that I don’t think it’s a ratio. I have watched this for 16 years. What I have found is that ultimately those connected to adoption, whether they have adopted, whether they were adopted, whether a family member has placed for adoption, those are the lifers.
Ron Reigns:
Really? Okay. Interesting.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
The ones that are able to finally cut the cord and walk away are those that don’t have some type of actual, I don’t want to say physical, but physical connection to adoption. I would say the ratio would depend on how much of the staff has that connection.
Ron Reigns:
Has been associated with it.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. What I have seen is workers that want to adopt in the future, they won’t leave. They understand that there are times in adoption where you just want to throw the computer through the window, or you want to take every paper and just shred it. I think that really the connection and the draw is when… The stability comes when there is a red string, basically, to adoption. Those are the ones that have that pull, that force, where they really do stay.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Now, that’s not to say that… We do have other women that have been with us that are lifers that maybe don’t have a direct connection to adoption, but maybe they have a stepparent adoption in their household, or they are raising their grandchildren and they’re looking to adopt them. It’s not just the classic adoptee, adoptive parents, birth mother. There are other ways. But I rarely see people who are vested walk away.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Then again, it can become a passion that you adopt that you can’t let go. Let me give you an example, and this would be a personal example for you. With regards to abortion, I personally don’t ever think that your stance right now will ever lessen, change, or deviate from the feelings that you have today. I think it will only increase-
Ron Reigns:
Because of my experiences.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Huh?
Ron Reigns:
Because of my experiences that are personally connected to it. Right.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. I think it will only increase and strengthen, and that happens in parallel sometimes with people who come into the adoption world.
Ron Reigns:
That makes a lot of sense. No, I was just kind of curious about how that was manifested in the business in who stays, who doesn’t. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah. You’re welcome.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
This all-consuming career choice is really hard to explain to family and friends. One of my best friends in the world lives in San Diego. She and I have been friends since I was 12. When I graduated from college in Arizona, and we both had kids at the same time, she would come out and we would go to the movies and we would go do girls nights. We stopped going to the movies years ago because me stepping out into the lobby and missing five to 20 minutes of a movie got to the point where she would say, “You know what, I love you as a friend…”
Ron Reigns:
But I can’t watch a movie with you.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, we’re not going to the movies anymore. To be fair, we haven’t gone to a movie in over, I think, eight or nine years. I understand, and I’m not offended by it. I absolutely understand.
Ron Reigns:
She isn’t trying to hurt your feelings by saying she doesn’t… But yeah, I totally get that.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
After dipping out of movie after movie, and then having to come back in and say “What happened?” No, nobody wants that.
Ron Reigns:
What’d I miss?
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I completely understand. Yeah. So it’s hard to explain to somebody on the outside of the adoption world that this isn’t a job that you can walk away from. It’s not something that, “Oh, it’s 5:00,” punch your time card, and now you don’t have to think about it. It’s not that. Babies are born 24/7/365. Yes, they’re born on Christmas’ and New Year’s and Thanksgiving and-
Ron Reigns:
Fourth of July, every holiday you can imagine. They don’t stop having babies.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
It is. That really can take a toll on your family. It was maybe three or four years ago. It was Christmas morning, and I had two of my case workers that were signing adoption consents. I’m sure this affected your Christmas morning as well. It was about 9:00 in the morning on Christmas morning, and there was a little bit of an issue with the consents. Actually, no, it was earlier. It was probably about 8:00 in the morning, and we were right in the middle of unwrapping presents.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I told a white lie and told my kids I had to run to the restroom really quickly. I run behind the door so they can’t see me, and I’m on the phone with the case worker giving instructions on how to handle the crisis, meanwhile peeking around the corner to make sure none of the kids are going to catch me on the phone, because, obviously, that coveted time of opening gifts and everything else. But the way I was looking at it is we have a birth mother that’s willing to make a lifelong decision. I have two case workers that are in person working with this birth mother to help her sign consents. I am going to be a team player and step aside and help them through it. That had to happen, and it did.
Ron Reigns:
They say that a good boss will never ask you or tell you to do anything that they’re not willing to do themselves. I can attest for you, for Lisa, all of us, really, we have made these sacrifices through the years over and over.
Ron Reigns:
Even when I was dating Lisa, it was, okay, we’ll go to a movie, but she’s going to have to duck out two or three times almost every time. We’re going to go sit at a coffee shop, and I won’t be able to talk to her and get to know her because she’s on the phone talking to a case manager or a birth mother and putting out fires and dealing with crises. It is, it’s a lifestyle that I have grown accustomed to and even grown to love, even with all of its flaws.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
It is. I can’t tell you how many… Three of my girls have been in choir at the high school. There’s different levels of choir, and so obviously, as a parent, they don’t allow you to leave after your child has sung in their part. You get to sit for the other hour listening to everybody else’s child sing.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
It never fails, never, that when it’s my child’s time, there’s the phone, and it’s the answering service, so I know it’s really serious and I’ve got to step out. That’s when I’m whispering to my husband, “Start recording,” because I want to be able to say-
Ron Reigns:
I want this.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
… that I saw it. In those moments, you do become resentful at times, because you think, “I don’t want to sacrifice my time as a parent.” But at the same time, when you make a commitment to somebody else who is sacrificing their lives as well, you have to make sure that you’re doing your part. So I have missed that moment in the choir concert, or I have missed that incredible football tackle that I wish I hadn’t missed.
Ron Reigns:
That you can’t get back, certainly.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
At the same time, I want to make sure that we’re teaching our children that there’s a lot of pluses. We’re blessed in the sense that both my husband and I, like you and Lisa, are in the same field, and so we understand very much what the sacrifices are. We’re teaching our children this is a great way of giving back. We do encourage them to volunteer time and help put stamps on envelopes and things like that, because it’s important and we do want them, like we said earlier, to adopt our passion and share in our beliefs-
Ron Reigns:
I think it’s vital to show a child, a young person, what commitment looks like and what that entails, again, the positives and the negatives of it, but how just blessed you can be for making a commitment and holding to it and doing the right thing. I think that’s impressive that your kids understand that. Sure, there’s going to be times they resent it, but I think it will lead them to be more fulfilled.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
We get the question, “How much longer do you have to text as we’re watching the series?” Yeah, they do. It’s super hard. It doesn’t make it easy, but that’s what a pause button is for. If that’s such a great scene that we don’t want to pause it, then that’s on me. Keep playing it, and I’ll keep texting and I’ll catch right back up. There’s lots of ways to-
Ron Reigns:
Deal with it.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
… make it a little bit better. But I thought it would be really fun to have some of our kids come on, if I can grab a few, and see what their perception is. They’re not going to be coached. They have an idea of what it’s about, but I’m not pushing a button on a robot.
Ron Reigns:
We’re going to get an unvarnished truth from a family member. I like it.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I asked one of our kiddos to come in and talk today because I thought it would be fun for our listeners to hear what their perspective is on having two parents that work in the adoption world, as well as one of them having been adopted. I know that our work in the adoption field spills over into our family life.
Logan:
Yes.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I know that sometimes that’s not always positive.
Logan:
Sometimes. It is. It depends. When we have babies come down, it’s not just on you guys, because then we have to… Emma will watch the kid. So it is like we’re also involved. Then we have to keep the house sanitized and safe, especially right now because of Corona, because it’s a baby house. It leaks over. It’s not just a regular nine-to-five, because not only do you guys work at home, the home is sort of like your second office.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Agree. What is something that you love about us working in the adoption world versus something that you very much dislike about us working in the adoption world?
Logan:
Okay. I love to see y’all’s faces when you get a new baby or you make a match because that makes you guys the happiest in the world. I don’t like your hours, because you can be working until 8:00 or even midnight, just depends. The sketchy hours I don’t like, but the outcomes are always good.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay. How do you feel that that affects you in terms of your life? In other words, do you think that it robs you of time?
Logan:
It definitely takes away, but it’s not that big of a deal because it’s not all the time. But it definitely does take away because you’ll either be on the phone or you’ll be having to figure some affidavit, or something with the workers or on the phone with your workers, or figuring out which baby goes where or to which hospital.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I have to say, you are a really good sport. I know it was-
Logan:
That’s why I’m your favorite.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
A few years ago, it was back-to-school night, and we did have a baby.
Logan:
That was funny.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I had the baby with me, and we had to go in and do the meet-the-teacher night. Logan and Emma were very understanding and didn’t vocalize any embarrassment or anything as I’m carrying around a newborn and meeting all of their teachers.
Logan:
Can I say one other thing? I just thought of this right now, that isn’t really good for your kids. Since you guys work in the industry where you see very bad stuff-
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
We see a lot of drugs-
Logan:
Yeah, a lot of drugs, alcohol.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
… a lot of unplanned pregnancy.
Logan:
Yeah. How you guys are, not overbearing, but you’re overprotective in a lot of ways because of what you see. If you were working in construction or as a nurse or something, you wouldn’t be so. It’s like a dentist. Dentists’ kids are always going to make their kids brush their teeth.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay, so you’re saying that that our work opinions are spilling over into our parenting.
Logan:
Yes, obviously.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay. Is that positive or negative?
Logan:
Well, it’s both. Obviously, it’s positive when it counts. You guys don’t let us go to parties that much. If I was going to go to a party and you said no, and then that party got shot up, it would’ve been a good thing, like y’all did good, but if it didn’t, it’s iffy.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So you’re saying that because we see things in our work like drugs and unplanned pregnancies and rape situations, that we’re more protective and that influences our parenting, and so it limits what you’re able to do as a teenager.
Logan:
Yes, what we’re able to do, what we’re able to go experience. The high school experience hasn’t been the best, but it hasn’t been the worst either.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Do you think that the fact that we do deal with so many unplanned pregnancies is a great form of sex education?
Logan:
Yeah.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
All the stories around the dinner table.
Logan:
Yeah. We don’t want to have any unplanned pregnancies while we are under the age of 18 or we can’t financially support any of our-
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Surprises.
Logan:
Okay.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What do you tell your friends about what we do and how you feel about it?
Logan:
You influence the next generation. You’re putting someone that might not have the best opportunities in a way better place. They could be the person to cure cancer or create the next big social media app. You’re changing the generation. You’re saving it.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
How do you think that my adoption, my personal adoption experience, affects the family or the household or our work?
Logan:
Well, your adoption, I think, guided you into the field that you’re in, as well as the DKE Foundation. That’s helped so many people. I think that’s, in at least your work life, that’s helped. In your personal life, I don’t really know how that’s really changed besides the obvious fact that we have two sets of grandparents and stuff like that. I don’t think you really let that change who you are as a person.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay.
Ron Reigns:
One thing I know about the adoption industry and people who are in it, at least on our end with me and Lisa, is that almost every family member that you have gets drawn into this business as well. Lisa has had brothers, sisters. My son does quite a bit of work for her. I know you’re a little bit younger at the moment, but you’re getting to adulthood. I know that she has you doing some things for the company. What kind of things do you do in the adoption field yourself?
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
You’ve passed out flyers.
Logan:
Oh yeah, I guess we did.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yes, you did.
Ron Reigns:
You take the boss fishing.
Logan:
Yeah, I took Mom fishing. I boost the morale.
Ron Reigns:
There you go. Now, before, you had talked about how it is more difficult being the child of somebody who works in this field because they do see the darker side, the raw side of life and the hardships that some people’s decisions make them go through. You’ve said that that’s hard because you are a little more restricted than, say, some of your friends. But tell me honestly, do you think in the future, as you become an adult and start building your own life, do you think that will serve you in a positive manner?
Logan:
Well, I think that… This is probably not the best philosophy, but I think the best thing, at least for how I work as an individual, I learn from experience. I don’t really learn from people’s stories. So I think that in some aspects I’d rather get burned than someone tell me about getting burned because that becomes more linked in your head. In some aspects, it’d be better for your parents to make you make mistakes, as long as they’re not going to destroy your future.
Ron Reigns:
What career would you like to go into if you… What are you pursuing?
Logan:
I’m going to go into the Navy as either an intelligence specialist or a nuclear engineer, depending on what I get on my ASVAB. After I do eight or four years, I will go either get my master’s… If I go as a nuclear engineer, I can go to school for free and get my master’s in nuclear engineering, because how the Navy does it is you’ll get college credits when they teach you. I can leave my bachelor’s after eight years, then go get my master’s. Or if I go into an intelligence specialist, then I’m going to go get my bachelor’s in criminology or psychology and then go into the FBI.
Ron Reigns:
Okay. Now, both of those avenues, they take a lot of study. They take a lot of dedication, commitment. Now, do you think seeing Kelly and Adam, your father, and their dedication and commitment in their career, and how much they have forsaken for the career, do you think that’s going to help guide you and give you that structure you need as you get through this aspect of your life?
Logan:
Well, yeah, for a couple reasons. First of all, they lead by example. We see how successful they’ve been, not just monetarily or financially, but how happy they’ve become and how much they’ve changed other people’s lives. We see that, and we’ve seen the work that goes into it. They lead by example. And not only that, but to work in a field as adoption, they have a very high mental fortitude. They can get through a lot, and they’ve passed that on to us. They’ve passed on a really good work ethic. They’re someone we can lean on.
Logan:
I’m guaranteeing the Navy is not going to be easy, and I’m going to want to call Mom and be like, “Hey, Mom, this sucks right now, but I actually want to talk to you. I miss you guys.” Yeah, they’re going to be amazing assets for us in the future.
Ron Reigns:
I got to say that I’ve worked with you, for instance, doing the roofing on a house and-
Logan:
[Crosstalk 00:27:20].
Ron Reigns:
… I’ve seen you work, and you aren’t a slacker. You’re somebody who will put in the effort needed to get a job done. I think no matter which avenue you take, you’re going to be successful. I think that’s a testament to Adam and Kelly and how they’ve raised you, and how they’ve shown you what hard work gives you and how you have to put yourself forward. I’ve got no doubts on your future.
Logan:
They definitely raised us right. That’s for sure.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
This is Ava. She is almost 16, and pretty much her whole life, actually her whole life, I have worked in the adoption world. I was pregnant with her when I started the agency with Angie, and so she has never known anything different. She has always been in the adoption world and watched it from the outside and the inside, pretty much, looking in, since I’m adopted. Is the adoption world something that you would ever want to work in?
Ava:
No.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
How come?
Ava:
You just seem busy all the time.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay. I know that when I have gone and we’ve done videos and things at the office with some of the women, you really like to go.
Ava:
Oh yeah, that was a really cool experience.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay. What is it you like about going? Because you ask me frequently if you can go and be there. You like to interact with a lot of the birth mothers.
Ava:
Yeah, that’s what I like the most, just seeing who they are and the type of people they are and the different kinds of women that come in. It’s really cool.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What’s cool about it?
Ava:
Just getting to know-
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Their lives?
Ava:
Their lives. Yeah.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Have you learned from them?
Ava:
Yes, I have.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What are some things that you’ve taken away? I know some of them, when they come up to… When you’re standing by me and you’re holding a camera for me, or my phone or something, they’ll come up and they’ll say, “Is that your daughter?” and I smile and nod. Then they’ll talk to you a little bit, and your whole face will light up when that happens. Why do you think that is?
Ava:
I just like talking to different people. I just think it’s cool to see the experiences they’re going through and hear about that.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Do you think you’ve learned anything from it?
Ava:
I’ve learned how they just seem so relieved to have an option. I remember looking at one girl, and she was just ecstatic to be able to adopt her baby.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
To place her baby for adoption?
Ava:
Yeah.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah. How much do you think that my personal adoption experience has influenced what I do?
Ava:
I think it’s inspired you.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay. I know you don’t know any differently, because obviously you’ve always had a mom who was adopted, but what do you tell your friends? How do you bring up what I do for a living and the fact that I was adopted? Do you ever talk about it?
Ava:
I talk about what you do for a living. I sometimes bring up the fact that you’re adopted if they continue to ask about it more. I usually just say that you own an adoption agency and a foundation.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay. I know sometimes you like passing out literature and brochures at school.
Ava:
Yeah.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Why do you like to do that?
Ava:
I just like to support you.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Do you like to support me as a mom, or do you like to support the mission of adoption?
Ava:
Both.
Ron Reigns:
When it comes to your friends, and we talked about this a little bit with Logan also, but do you notice a difference? Obviously, there’s certain things that them working in the adoption field is going to be different. It’s a 24-hour-a-day job. You can’t count on being able to sit down with mom and dad and watch a movie. It’s here goes the phone again. Mom’s got to go, and Adam’s got to go and do something. You can’t count on that time all the time. But what other differences do you see in your life due to their career that you see in your friends’ lives, for instance, or you just don’t notice that maybe?
Ava:
I don’t notice it.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Do you think that we’re stricter because of what we see.
Ava:
Oh yeah, you’re way stricter.
Ron Reigns:
In what ways?
Ava:
She’s very cautious about whenever I go out. You just get weird about certain things.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay. That’s okay to talk about it. Like what?
Ava:
I don’t know. Whenever we’re talking about my friend or whenever… I don’t know…..
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Do you think that because of what we see, drug use and a lot of unplanned pregnancies and rape situations and things like that, do you think that we are more open in terms of how we talk to you about those things?
Ava:
Yeah.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Do you think that we are more restrictive because we don’t want you to go down the avenues of what we see on a daily basis?
Ava:
Yeah, I do.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
How does that affect you?
Ava:
It can be a bit much sometimes, but I know you care, so I appreciate it.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I think these are probably as realistic teenage answers as anybody could get.
Ron Reigns:
Absolutely. Now, do you think that will serve you in the future? I mean, sure, they’re restrictive, but do you think that’ll help you go, “You know what, there’s a reason that they were that way”? Do you think it’s a good thing or-
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Oh yeah.
Ron Reigns:
Okay. I’m just curious, because I look at when I was a kid and my mom would say, “No, I don’t want you going and staying out until 1:00 in the morning with your friends,” at the time I was a little resentful, but even back then in the back of my head, I was like, “I know she’s right,” but of course I didn’t like it still.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What is the hardest thing that you think as a child of parents that work in the adoption world is? What’s the hardest aspect?
Ava:
The amount of time you have to work.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
That’s interesting to me that you would choose that over us being more restrictive.
Ava:
Yeah. I just rather would just spend time with you-
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah. I will say-
Ron Reigns:
I think I’m going to cry. That was the sweetest thing. That was nice.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I will say there was something that both Adam and I, I think it was a realization. As parents, you’re going all the time and you’re working all the time, and sometimes you don’t stop and see really how it’s perceived by others. There was an art project that you had to do where you made a shield. This will be the last question that we ask you. Will you talk about that shield and what it was supposed to be, and what we did? Was it last year?
Ron Reigns:
It was this year, or last year, whatever.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
It was an art project, right?
Ron Reigns:
It was an art project. It was a shield, and there was four spaces. You had to do your hobbies, something that represents your family, something you want to get better at, and then future goals, I think. For the family, I just did time and then I did a big phone.
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
She turned, obviously, this paper in to the teacher. It was one of those moments that you look back on and you think, “That’s really not what we would have wanted to be reflected as,” but it was real and it was raw.
Ron Reigns:
Thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption. If you’re listening and you’re dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and want more information about adoption, Building Arizona Families is a local Arizona adoption agency and available 24/7 by phone or text at 623-695-4112. That’s 623-695-4112. We can make an immediate appointment with you to get started on creating an Arizona adoption plan, or just get you more information. You can also find out more information about Building Arizona Families on their website at azpregnancyhelp.com.
Ron Reigns:
Thanks also go out to Grapes for allowing us to use their song I Dunno as our theme song. Birth Mother Matters in Adoption was written and produced by Kelly Rourke-Scarry and edited by me. Please rate and review this podcast wherever you’re listening to us. We’d really appreciate it. We also now have a website at birthmothermatterspodcast.com. Tune in next time on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption. For Kelly Rourke-Scarry, I’m Ron Reigns.