Ron Reigns:
Welcome, and thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption with Kelly Rourke-Scarry and me, Ron Reigns, where we delve into the issues of adoption from every angle of the adoption triad.

Speaker 2:
Do what’s best for your kid and for yourself, because if you can’t take care of yourself, you’re definitely going to be able to take care of that kid, and that’s not fair.

Speaker 3:
I know that my daughter will be well taken care of with them.

Speaker 4:
Don’t have an abortion. Give this child a chance.

Speaker 5:
All I could think about was needing to save my son.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
My name is Kelly Rourke-Scarry. I’m the executive director, president and co-founder of Building Arizona Families adoption agency, the Donna Kay Evans Foundation, and creator of the You Before Me campaign. I have a bachelor’s degree in family studies and human development, and a master’s degree in education with an emphasis in school counseling. I was adopted at the age of three days, born to a teen birth mother, raised in a closed adoption, and reunited with my birth mother in 2007. I have worked in the adoption field for over 15 years.

Ron Reigns:
I’m Ron Reigns. I’ve worked in radio since 1999. I was the co-host of two successful morning shows in Prescott, Arizona. Now I worked for my wife who’s an adoption attorney, and I’m able to combine these two great passions and share them on this podcast.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
We’ve been talking about hospitals lately, and now we’re going to talk from the adoptive parents side.

Ron Reigns:
Finally.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
We talked a little bit about it before-

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
… when we talked about that feeling when you get handed your baby, and how excited you are, and all those emotions that are going to hit you. So, when you get to the hospital and you get the lay of the land, you’ve got your case manager there supporting you emotionally. She’s right there with you, that moment. This is before baby’s born. You get to figure out where you’re going to be, whether you’re going to be in delivery room. Hopefully, you’ve had a chance to go over the hospital plan that the birth mother has created, so you know what she wants. She wants you in labor and delivery, be there for her. If it’s awkward for you, get over it. Just be there.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah. The sacrifice she’s making, you can be a little uncomfortable too.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, and it’s okay. You can close your eyes if you need to.

Ron Reigns:
Pick a spot on the wall.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, and just know that this is a moment that is being shared with you that is beautiful.

Ron Reigns:
And you know what? You’re going to look back on this and go, “Thank God I was there. Thank God I went in.”

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
You can look your child in the face and say, “I was there the moment you were born.” Coming from somebody who has been lucky enough to have four of those moments, I will say there’s nothing like it.

Ron Reigns:
I agree. I’ve only done it once, and while I’m never going to do it again at this age, but yeah, you never forget. I remember every minute of it.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
It’s a beautiful, beautiful time. So, when you are headed to the hospital as an adoptive family, we always recommend that you have a car seat ready. You don’t want to show up at the hospital to meet birth mom with a baby bag and a car seat. Like I’m coming to get the baby even before she’s even had the baby. That would be a little bit much. Like, here I am, and-

Ron Reigns:
Yeah. Maybe leave that stuff in the car for the time being.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, unless you’re in Arizona, and then maybe leave it at the hotel until it’s time to take the baby home. But a lot of times, birth moms will show up with their … with an outfit that they want the baby to go home in, and sometimes adoptive parents have one too. We just say, you know what, let’s honor the birth mom, and let’s let her put the baby in the outfit and-

Ron Reigns:
You know what? Get in the parking lot and change the baby if you have to.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. The other thing too, that’s important to note is when, in the hospital plan, there most likely a section for how she wants discharge to go. Sometimes the birth mothers would like to leave with the baby, and sometimes the baby will leave before them. It really depends on if there are medical issues and baby needs to stay at the hospital, or if everybody’s good to go. Again, it depends on if the baby has been exposed to substance abuse during the birth mother’s pregnancy, if baby’s premature. So, if everything’s good to go and they can leave at the same time, that’s always ideal. That’s what the majority of birth moms would like to do, is they’d like to leave at the same time.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
That’s obviously a very emotional time for everybody. We’ve talked about in the past adoptive families are crying right along with birth mom, and normally-

Ron Reigns:
And case managers, and everybody else.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Case managers are crying too, yeah.

Ron Reigns:
Nurses, everybody.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Absolutely. Yeah, everybody is crying. It’s one of those moments that when you’re in it, you’re in it and it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful leaving. So, when your baby is born and you have insurance … Obviously we’re not an insurance provider, so that’s a disclaimer. You need to check with your individual insurance policy. But with most insurance companies, for medical insurance, you’re responsible for the baby from the time the baby is born. You do have 30 days to put the baby on your policy, but the hospital will be asking you for your insurance information for the baby. So, make sure that you have that ready. The coverage for an adopted child is the same as if it was a biological child.

Ron Reigns:
Right, that makes sense.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So that’s important to know. The other piece of information that is important to note is that there are many companies that do give a period of time where you can take like a leave of absence under family medical law. They will allow that, and they will pay you to spend time with the baby after the baby’s born. That’s something to check with your employer. Also, one thing that you want to remember when you’re there and you’re adopting, your agency should help as well. It’s just making sure that you do get all the baby’s medical records, because there’ll be a shot record along with, if there were any medical complications, you want to get those so that you can take the baby to a pediatrician afterwards for a follow-up. Normally, that’s done within the 24 to 72 hours after the baby is discharged depending on the situation and how baby is doing.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Also, remember when you’re in the hospital, that you want to see exactly what formula the baby is on so you can continue with the same formula. Sometimes hospitals have a preference of which one they use. Sometimes babies will go on a sensitive formula if they have been exposed to drugs prenatally. That is a common one that’s used for those types of babies.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Make sure that you do have an outfit for the baby when it’s time for discharge, just in case the birth mother did not bring one, and a blanket, and then a newborn car seat as well. Car seats do expire, so make sure you check the car seat expiration date, which is crazy because back in the day, I don’t remember car seats expiring.

Ron Reigns:
No, I don’t either. It might be from the car seat, big car seat.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Well, no it makes sense, because if you think about it, after seven years, the belts start to deteriorate and they’re not as strong.

Ron Reigns:
Absolutely, especially if you live in a climate like Arizona’s with the sun beating down on them. No, I-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
It makes perfect sense. They say it’s like a motorcycle helmet too, to where if you get an accident, you throw it away, and you-

Ron Reigns:
Oh, okay, because it’s already been compromised.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Correct.

Ron Reigns:
Much the same as a car seat, which….

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So that makes perfect sense, and if you-

Ron Reigns:
It does.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
The insulation on the car seat is almost like styrofoam-ish. So the styrofoam-ish material that’s on the inside will start to deteriorate and disintegrate.

Ron Reigns:
Certainly.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So that does make sense, and plus, it’s fun to buy a new car seat.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, it’s fun to buy new stuff for babies in general.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, baby stuff is fun.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
The other thing too, that I have to say is I love the green pacifiers that they give to newborns in the hospital. But some hospitals are doing away with pacifiers, binkies. I like binky, the word binky better, but they’re doing away with them because they’re encouraging breastfeeding. When there’s an adoption situation, that’s really not recommended in the majority of cases because it’s harder. It’s a bonding activity, and so that makes it harder for everybody. But yes, those binkies are amazing.

Ron Reigns:
So what’s so cool about the green binkies?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What’s so cool. Well, they’re not cute. I mean, they’re not. Now they have the cute fun words on them like the screamer stopper. They have the little beards or the lips on the outside of the binky.

Ron Reigns:
Right., it’s like a little goatee.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah.

Ron Reigns:
That is funny.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, that is funny.

Ron Reigns:
They’ve come a long way.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
They have. There was one that was called the shutter upper. I thought that was funny.

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Silence or mute. So that’s funny, but they’re, I don’t know, they work.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, they do work, absolutely.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
They work. Was your son a binky baby?

Ron Reigns:
He was. I don’t even remember for how long, but yes, he was.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
My adopted brother was really a binky baby, and he turned into a binky young man. When he was six, he stopped and he used to use two at a time.

Ron Reigns:
Really?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah. He loved binkies.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah.

Ron Reigns:
And it worked for him.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
It did. It worked for him. Everybody has what they … Kids suck their thumbs until they’re 11, 12.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, I sucked my thumb for a long time. I remember that, but I know it was a fight for my mom to get me to sleep.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Did she put the old nail polish on that had that bitter taste?

Ron Reigns:
She put something on and it didn’t work. I’d just get it off of there. But I obviously grew out of it last year, and so I’m very proud.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah. Did you have to have braces?

Ron Reigns:
No, never had braces.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay, so you defied the odds because they say if you suck your thumb for a really long time, you increase your chances.

Ron Reigns:
Gives you buck teeth or whatever. I know that’s what they told me when I was a kid.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, but now your teeth are straight.

Ron Reigns:
Straight-ish. They’re in my mouth and that’s a good place for them.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So enjoy and look forward to your time at the hospital. This is a time you will forever treasure.

Ron Reigns:
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis and illustrated by Laura Cornell. Tell me again about the night I was born. Tell me how you and daddy were curled up like spoons, and daddy was snoring. Tell me again how the phone rang in the middle of the night, and they told you I was born. Tell me how you screamed. Tell me again how you called granny and grandpa right away, but they didn’t hear the phone because they sleep like logs. Tell me again how you got on an airplane with my baby bag and flew to get me, and how there was no movie-

Speaker 7:
What?

Ron Reigns:
… only peanuts.

Speaker 7:
Okay, I like peanuts.

Ron Reigns:
Tell me again how you couldn’t grow a baby in your tummy. So, another woman who was too young to take care of me was growing me, and she would be my birth mother, and you would adopt me and be my parents. Tell me again how you held hands all the way to the hospital, and when you got there, you both got very quiet and felt very small. Tell me again about the first time you saw me through the nursery window, and how you couldn’t believe something so small could make you smile so big. Tell me again how tiny and perfect I was. Tell me again about the first time you held me in your arms and you called me your baby sweet. Tell me again how you cried happy tears.

Ron Reigns:
Tell me again how you carried me like a China doll all the way home, and how you glared at anyone who sneezed. Tell me again about my first bottle and how I liked it so much. Tell me again about my first diaper change and how I didn’t like it at all. Tell me again about the first night you were my daddy, and you told me about baseball being the perfect game like your daddy told you.

Speaker 8:
This wall is crushed.

Ron Reigns:
Tell me again about the first night you were my mommy and you sang the lullaby your mommy saying to you. Tell me again about our first night as a family. Mommy, daddy, tell me again about the night I was born.

Maria:
My name’s Maria. I am 34, and I placed my son up for adoption. The reason for my placement was because I wasn’t financially stable. I didn’t have a home of my own. I was actually homeless, and I think that it was the best thing for my son, which turned out to be an amazing thing to do because I still see him to this day. He has an amazing family that I love so much that loves me dearly, and I really appreciate them for all that they’ve done.

Maria:
Then I ended up getting pregnant again with my daughter. I chose a family that had biological kids of their own, which was my first placement. Then my second placement was my daughter, which I chose a family that couldn’t have any kids. She is actually doing pretty good herself, and I’m just happy with the decision that I made because I’m still financially not stable, but I know that my kids are fine and well taken care of. I do get pictures and letters every six months. I think that it would be the best thing for you guys to do it if that’s what you’ve decided to do. Building Arizona Families is a great company to work with because they’re awesome.

Ron Reigns:
We have a pregnancy crisis hotline available 24/7 by phone or text at 623 695-4112, or you can call our toll-free number 1800 340-9665. We can make an immediate appointment with you to get you to a safe place, provide food, and clothing and start on creating an Arizona adoption plan or give you more information. You can check out our blogs on our website at azpregnancyhealth.com. Thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption, written and produced by Kelly Rourke-Scarry and edited by me, Ron Reigns. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. As always, thanks to Grapes for letting us use their song, I Don’t know, as our theme song. Join us next time for Birth Mother Matters in Adoption. For Kelly Rourke-Scarry, I’m Ron Reigns, and we’ll see you then.