Ron Reigns:
Welcome, and thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption, with Kelly Rourke-Scarry, and me, Ron Reigns, where we delve into the issues of adoption from every angle of the adoption triad.

Speaker 2:
Do what’s best for your kid and for yourself, because if you can’t take care of yourself, you’re definitely not going to be able to take care of that kid, and that’s not fair.

Speaker 3:
I know that my daughter will be well taken care of with them.

Speaker 4:
Don’t have an abortion. Give this child a chance.

Speaker 5:
All I could think about was needing to save my son.

Kelly R.:
My name is Kelly Rourke-Scarry. I’m the executive director, president, and co-founder of Building Arizona Families adoption agency, the Donna K. Evans Foundation, and creator of the You Before Me campaign. I have a bachelor’s degree in family studies and human development, and a master’s degree in education, with an emphasis in school counseling. I was adopted at the age of three days, born to a teen birth mother, raised in a closed adoption, and reunited with my birth mother in 2007. I have worked in the adoption field for over 15 years.

Ron Reigns:
And I’m Ron Reigns. I’ve worked in radio since 1999. I was the co-host of two successful morning shows in Prescott, Arizona. Now I work for my wife, who’s an adoption attorney, and I’m able to combine these two great passions and share them on this podcast.

Kelly R.:
Today, we are going to begin a three-part series on life and loss, grief, and adoption.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, and we’re attacking this from each angle of the adoption triad. Is that correct?

Kelly R.:
That is correct.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly R.:
What we’re going to do is break it into three segments. We’re going to start with the birth mother, we’re going to move on to the adoptive mother and adoptive father, and we’re going to end with the adopted child.

Ron Reigns:
All right.

Kelly R.:
So, today we’re going to address the birth mother.

Ron Reigns:
Let’s do it.

Kelly R.:
Why is there grief in adoption? There’s grief because adoption is a loss for a birth mother. There’s no other way to describe it. It is a loss. It is also a loss for the adopted child in some aspect. At some point in that child’s life, most adopted children will experience a time where they’re questioning, “Why was I placed for adoption? What happened? Who’s my birth mother? Is she somebody famous? Have I ever met her before?” And those questions usually come from someone who’s in a closed adoption.

Kelly R.:
If a child is in an open adoption, there still may be grief. There may be grief as to, “What would my life have looked like if I would have remained with my birth mother? Would I have more siblings? Would I have less siblings? Would I go to the same school?” There’s all sorts of questions that could go through a child’s head.

Kelly R.:
Adoption sometimes is the loss of a dream for an adoptive mother and father. They may have wanted to become parents through their own reproductive efforts and may have been unable to. People adopt for all sorts of reasons. Some adoptive families adopt because biologically, they’re unable to have a child. Sometimes they try fertility treatments, and after so many failed fertility treatments, they then choose adoption. Other families adopt because it’s on their heart. They feel called to adopt.

Ron Reigns:
They know there’s a need out there.

Kelly R.:
They know there’s a need. There’s lots of different reasons. When we do our three-part series, we’re going to focus on the adoptive families that are adopting more because they’re unable to biologically have a child.

Ron Reigns:
That makes sense.

Kelly R.:
When you step back and you look at a birth mother, and the amazing things that she’s doing, she’s carrying the life of a child with the intent on placing the baby for adoption. She’s taking care of herself, to make sure that her baby is the healthiest that it can be, knowing that at the end of her pregnancy journey, she’s going to be handing the baby to an adoptive family. That’s heroic in my mind.

Ron Reigns:
And it’s a heck of an ordeal, all the way through.

Kelly R.:
Absolutely. Absolutely.

Ron Reigns:
Mentally, what you’re thinking of the whole time.

Kelly R.:
Mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything from the weight gain, to feeling the baby kick inside, to not being able to sleep at night, going to the bathroom every 15 minutes, labor and delivery in and of itself. And I think that it’s important that we look at the grief and loss that she’s experiencing, because it will increase not only our appreciation of her, it will help, as a society, us really understand how we can support her in the role of a birth mother.

Kelly R.:
We’ve always talked in these podcasts about adoption being the third option, and I think that if we look at the grief and loss a birth mother experiences, by doing that we can recognize and address the issues, and the feelings, and emotions that she’s going through. When I start talking about adoption to either adoptive families, or birth mothers, or adoption workers if we’re doing training sessions, the best starting spot, or the first step, is to understand that the best day of a woman’s life is the worst day of another’s.

Ron Reigns:
Wow. Powerful.

Kelly R.:
And we all have to remember that one dream has to die so another can be born. And that’s really a summarization of what adoption is.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, and put very eloquently. Thank you.

Kelly R.:
Thank you. I believe that grief and loss is not a topic that adoption professionals like to address on a regular basis, because it’s the dark side of adoption. It’s the part that isn’t celebrated. It’s the part that makes uncomfortable, and they don’t want to go there.

Ron Reigns:
This is something you might or very well will experience, so you need to be honest with them, as well. Right.

Kelly R.:
Absolutely.

Ron Reigns:
But you also want to say, “Hey, but it’s rewarding.”

Kelly R.:
You can’t have a high without a low.

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly R.:
And this is the low, and so today, we’re going low. We’re going to talk about grief and loss, and we’re going to talk about what is not spoken about as often as I feel that it should be amongst adoption professionals, in educating everybody in the triad. The adoptive parents, the birth mother, and the adopted child at some point. Every member of the adoption triad will most likely experience grief and loss at some point, and that is the whole reason for this three-part series. We want to make this a focus point, so that we can reference it in the future, and those listeners that are out there that can identify with grief, and loss, hopefully we can provide you with some avenues to get help.

Kelly R.:
We can help normalize those feelings. We can reassure you that you’re not alone, that there is a light at the end of your tunnel. Watch for the rainbow, because it’s going to come.

Ron Reigns:
And help ourselves and them understand grief and loss as well, in that instead of not addressing it when you see it in others, because you don’t recognize it, maybe you can help somebody else that’s going through it.

Kelly R.:
A common model that is used amongst us social workers is Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief. There are five stages. The first is denial. The second is anger. The third is bargaining. The fourth is depression. And the fifth is acceptance. So, because we’re talking about birth mothers today, we’re going to go through and really look at what those stages present.

Ron Reigns:
And how we’re going to identify them.

Kelly R.:
Correct. One thing when you’re looking at the Kubler-Ross stages of grief, it’s really important to understand that not everybody will go through these five stages sequentially. Some may go through one through five. Some may go one, three, two, five, four. You can also experience the stages more than once, and you may cycle through them, and then come back and experience a stage again and again.

Ron Reigns:
So, it’s not set in stone.

Kelly R.:
And not everybody will experience every stage in grief.

Ron Reigns:
Oh, so you could skip. You could just have, say three of them.

Kelly R.:
You could skip. It’s not the commonality. Let’s put it that way.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly R.:
David Kessler is an author, who co-authored two books with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the developer of the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief.

Ron Reigns:
That we just talked about.

Kelly R.:
Correct. He came up with a sixth stage, and he’s got a book coming out that I’m very excited to read called The Sixth Stage: Finding Meaning. I think that… and not having read the book, I’m speculating. This may be very applicable for adoption.

Ron Reigns:
Definitely.

Kelly R.:
Finding meaning. And so I’m very excited for this book to come out. I think it’s supposed to come out November of this year.

Ron Reigns:
We will be looking forward to that.

Kelly R.:
We will be. Birth mothers experience grief throughout the pregnancy. It can be from the time they see the pregnancy test with the positive sign, all the way through after the point the baby has been placed for adoption. That doesn’t mean that birth mothers will experience grief the whole time. It means that they can. In knowing that, as social workers, as a society, as an adoption community, I think it’s important to understand that you may not know when somebody’s experiencing grief, or loss, or they’re struggling. But if we can focus, and educate ourselves on the stages of grief for a birth mother, and we pick a timeframe where it’s very common for her to experience grief and loss, and we’re going to choose the labor and delivery time today to talk about, that will give us at least a perception of what she’s experiencing, and how we can help her. How we can recognize the signs, and we can jump in and say, “Hey, we got you. It’s going to be okay.”

Ron Reigns:
Right. Because everybody needs that, but especially somebody who’s going through something so dramatic in their life.

Kelly R.:
Absolutely. Up until the time a birth mother delivers, she has created an adoption plan, she’s chosen in most circumstances an adoptive family, she’s worked with her case worker, she has experienced adoption counseling. We use an independent adoption counselor. We have immersed her in resources and explained the process. That doesn’t mean that she’s going to walk into the hospital, deliver the baby, and smile, and hand the baby to the adoptive family, and skip out of the hospital.

Ron Reigns:
Right, and everything’s just going to feel hunky-dory for her.

Kelly R.:
Right. That’s not the way that this works. When you’re doing adoption work, I tell social workers it’s going to be the best and the worst job you’ve ever had. It’s the best job when you are holding a birth mother’s hand, and helping her through the worst time in her life, and you’re able to watch her bounce back, and be there for her when she graduates from high school, or when she graduates from a cosmetology school.

Ron Reigns:
Gets a GED, or all these achievements.

Kelly R.:
Absolutely. Celebrate her successes. That is amazing. In working with birth mothers, as an adoption worker, it takes training and time to be able to recognize the stage of grief that a birth mother may be in. Not everybody is going to present the same. For birth mothers, it’s important to understand, to talk to your adoption worker, to talk to counselors. Let people know how you’re feeling. Sometimes a birth mother will call me up and say, “I’m really struggling today, and I’m nervous, and is this normal? Is this okay?” And I reassure her it’s very normal.

Kelly R.:
You’re going to have really days as you’re going through your adoption journey, and you’re going to have really bad days. Celebrate the highs and let us support you during the lows. Know that there is going to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Ron Reigns:
Now, as adoption workers, do you try and help them understand these feelings, like when they start getting that anxiety, and saying, “Okay, keep an eye out for this, and all me.”

Kelly R.:
Yes.

Ron Reigns:
Or, “This is kind of how you need to attack that situation.” Right?

Kelly R.:
Yes. It’s always easier on the front end to explain what somebody may or may not go through, rather than to try to explain to them when they’re in the middle of it.

Ron Reigns:
Or what just happened.

Kelly R.:
Correct. When a birth mother goes into a hospital, there’s so many emotions that are going through her head. She’s so excited. She’s excited to be done being pregnant. She’s excited to see the baby if she’s choosing to do so. She’s excited to watch the adoptive family’s response when the baby’s born. She’s excited to know this is the beginning of the end of the adoption journey, and she’s going to be able to put this behind and move on with her life. There’s so many emotions. She’s nervous, she’s scared, she’s worried about how much pain she’s going to be in. There’s so many things that are going on in her head, in addition to the hormones that are starting to increase, and the epinephrine, and everything that’s going on inside of her.

Kelly R.:
And I believe that when an adoptive family is supportive through the highs, through the lows, and remains solid, that is the single best thing for a birth mother. When I look back at birth mothers that were wavering on their adoption choice, I can look back and say the families that didn’t panic, that didn’t go in and try to talk to the birth mother, and calm her down, and run around the hospital room like something was wrong, but just remained calm-

Ron Reigns:
Stable.

Kelly R.:
… and supportive, are the ones that were most successful.

Kelly R.:
There was a situation where we have a birth mother that was very stable throughout her pregnancy regarding her adoption plan. After she had the baby, she really struggled, and she was in the room with the baby. She asked the adoptive family if they would step outside of the room, because she wanted some alone time, which is not uncommon. So, the adoptive family said, “Absolutely. No problem.” And they went outside the door of her room and sat down, and a few hours had passed. They weren’t tapping on her door and asking her if they could come back in.

Ron Reigns:
You okay?

Kelly R.:
No. They weren’t sending the nurse in to check on her. Obviously, the nurses were coming in and out, because they were checking her vitals, and checking the baby’s vitals. Our workers were checking in with the adoptive family, because the birth mother, again, wanted to be alone with the baby. I think it was six to eight hours after the adoptive family had been asked to step out, where our worker had gone back and said, “Is there anything we can do for you? Do you want to go back to your hotel room? Do you want us to bring you anything?” And they looked at the worker and said, “We’re just fine.”

Ron Reigns:
We’re good.

Kelly R.:
We’re okay.

Ron Reigns:
We’re in for the long haul.

Kelly R.:
And there was no hesitation. They weren’t outside the room sobbing, making a scene. They were just going to wait for her, and they were going to show her their love for her by giving her what she needed. And what she needed was that time alone with her baby, without them standing over her. The worker was calling me and saying, “Yeah, I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a really long time that the birth mothers had the baby in the room with her.” And I asked about the adoptive family, and the worker said, “They’re incredible. They’re just sitting outside the room.”

Kelly R.:
And I asked if the birth mother knew that they were sitting outside the room, and she said that the birth mother was aware of it, yes. I get a call an hour later that the adoptive family had been invited back into the room. The birth mother had found peace, and that everything was just fine.

Ron Reigns:
Wow. She just had to go through her process. But I commend those adoptive parents for being so strong and stalwart to just sit there. Let her know, “Hey, we’re here for you, but we’re not going to impose, and we’re not going to freak out.”

Kelly R.:
That is the best thing that they could have done.

Ron Reigns:
That is amazing.

Kelly R.:
Had it been handled in a different way-

Ron Reigns:
Who knows?

Kelly R.:
A very different outcome may have occurred. And I can tell you another story where it backfired when an adoptive family did not respect the birth mother’s wishes. It was prior to the delivery. We had a birth mother that came to us and wanted to place her baby for adoption. There were no concerns with this birth mother on our behalf whatsoever, in terms of her intent on placing the baby for adoption. The adoptive mother was very, very anxious about the adoption. We do not allow either party, the adoptive parents or the birth mother, to know the last names or the addresses of where each other lives. And it’s to protect both parties.

Kelly R.:
That being said, the adoptive mother did some of her own investigation, ignored what we had stated to her and what our regulations were, and found where the birth mother was staying. She then started showing up at the birth mother’s apartment, and knocking on the door, and asking her if she was really going to place the baby for adoption. And the birth mother would say, “Yes, absolutely. I chose you. I chose an adoption plan. This is what I’m going to do.”

Kelly R.:
We, as an agency, called the adoptive mother and told her, “Cease and desist. Stop.”

Ron Reigns:
Cut this out.

Kelly R.:
This is not okay. The adoptive mother ignored us and continued.

Ron Reigns:
And continued.

Kelly R.:
The birth mother then called me directly and said, “I don’t want this family. I’m going to place my baby for adoption, but I need to pick somebody else.”

Ron Reigns:
But not to them.

Kelly R.:
So, we went back to the adoptive family and said, “We had told you that this was something that you can’t do. You cannot go and harass somebody and question their motives. Our responsibility is to vet a birth mother and help her with her adoption plan. You going behind our back, and harassing her, and confronting her, has now backfired, and now she has asked to choose another adoptive family. We have to abide by her wishes.” The adoptive mother said, “Well, that was because she wasn’t going to place anyway.”

Kelly R.:
Ironically, the birth mother-

Ron Reigns:
Did place.

Kelly R.:
… chose another family and placed.

Ron Reigns:
Right. Now tell me something, a lot of times these adoptive families will come back to you when there’s disruption, or if they just want another child, as well. Did that particular adoptive family come back to you and try and get another birth mother?

Kelly R.:
We actually terminated our agreement with that adoptive family, because we felt that she was not-

Ron Reigns:
Didn’t respect the process. Did not.

Kelly R.:
… able to respect our rules as an agency, and we felt that she very might disrespected the birth mother.

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly R.:
Going back to when a birth mother is going to deliver her baby, we’re going to start with the first stage of grief, which is denial. When they’re walking into the hospital, the adoption decision may manifest in denial, shock, numbness. Again, not every birth mother is going to experience these five stages of grief. We do have birth mothers that, during the adoption process, do not exhibit traits or verbally vocalize that they’re experiencing this. That’s not a commonality. Most birth mothers experience at least some of these stages.

Ron Reigns:
Right. I mean, this is a huge event in a life.

Kelly R.:
This is a huge event.

Ron Reigns:
You would expect that most go through some of this.

Kelly R.:
Correct. When they’re going into the hospital, and they deliver the baby, a flood of emotions comes over them. They are comprehending the fact they just delivered a baby. I know when I had all of my children, after I delivered, my first thought was, “It’s a baby.” You know it’s a baby inside of you. You know that… Everything just doesn’t line up. It’s really a baby. A real, live baby came out.

Ron Reigns:
This is materialized now. This is real.

Kelly R.:
Yes, this really happened. And it is a little shocking. I remember being shocked with all my children’s birth. You would think after the second or third time, by the fourth you’ve kind of got it. But no. No. I was still shocked every time I delivered a baby that an actual baby came out.

Ron Reigns:
It’s a baby! How did that happen? Right?

Kelly R.:
Right. Yeah. Yes, I had a car seat and everything else, but to actually put a baby in a car seat. I mean, this was… So, there is some element of shock. When a birth mother chooses to be handed her baby after delivery, I think that that’s beautiful. Some birth mothers opt not to do that, and that’s okay. Everybody knows their limitations. Birth mothers that have had previous children know the emotions that go along with labor and delivery. They know that immediate bonding moment when they place the baby on your chest for the first time. They know what they’re going to experience.

Kelly R.:
A first-time birth mother, who has never given birth before, doesn’t really know what to expect. She doesn’t have the foreknowledge of, “This is how you’re really going to feel. This is really what you’re going to experience.”

Ron Reigns:
Okay. People can tell you all day long what you’re going to feel, but until you’re feeling it-

Kelly R.:
But until you’re actually in that moment, you have no comprehension of how your heart is going to feel, what your mind is going to tell you. You’re going to really experience emotions and feelings that you have never, ever experienced before. That’s where a birth mother may enter some denial, in terms of the adoption plan. “I’m really going to place this baby for adoption that I just went through eight hours of labor with, I just delivered this baby, and now… how did I make an adoption plan? What was I thinking? What am I doing?” Everything becomes very almost confusing.

Kelly R.:
And that is where it is very important for adoptive families, adoption workers, to just, again, give her some space.

Ron Reigns:
Okay. Back off a little bit.

Kelly R.:
Back off a little bit.

Ron Reigns:
Let her go through the process.

Kelly R.:
And when an adoption case worker has a very close relationship with the birth mother, it is advantageous, actually, for her to step forward, rather than step back. If she has not developed this relationship, if we as an agency have not had as much time to work with this birth mother, then we don’t have that rapport with her. When you are in a stage of grief, and you are experiencing feelings that you’ve never experienced before, somebody that you trust, and care about, and have a relationship with, is somebody that you’re going to turn to.

Kelly R.:
If you really don’t know somebody, and you don’t feel safe, or comfortable, or trust them, them coming to you in that moment is not going to be helpful.

Ron Reigns:
Right. It’s going to bring more anxiety and make it worse.

Kelly R.:
Correct. The adoption plan at that point, after the baby has been delivered, and the adoptive family is at the hospital, it all starts to become real. And that’s when a birth mother may, and I’m not saying every birth mother, may struggle with denial. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. What is going on? What was I thinking?” Even the best prepared birth mothers, the ones that have had counseling, have family support, friend support, and have had nothing but a completely positive journey can still struggle at this moment.

Kelly R.:
And just because somebody is going through one of the stages of grief, doesn’t mean they’re not going to place the baby for adoption. It just means they’re struggling. And that’s what it needs to be looked at as. She’s in denial. She’s struggling. She’s having a hard time. That’s normal. Denial on the behalf of a birth mother may be viewed as a coping method. “How can this be happening? Am I really doing this?”

Kelly R.:
Then, the next stage is anger. After labor and delivery, the birth mother may want the adoptive family in the recovery room with her and the baby. She may not. She may cling to the adoptive family, and in turn, in a sense, adopt them herself. Kind of try them out, and see how they respond to her. When an adoptive family walks into a room with a baby and a birth mother for the first time, I always state to the adoptive family, “Look at the birth mother first. Ask her how she’s doing.”

Ron Reigns:
Focus on her.

Kelly R.:
Focus on her.

Ron Reigns:
This is a big moment for her, and she needs their support.

Kelly R.:
She really does. She is looking at the response of the adoptive family. Without coaching an adoptive family, we have had adoptive moms and adoptive dads run over to the bassinets, look at the baby, and focus on how beautiful the baby is, rather than acknowledge the very woman that just went through labor and delivery, and is choosing to place her baby with them.

Ron Reigns:
Right. She’s making this huge sacrifice, and all you’re looking at is the blessing. You got to look at the person that’s giving you this gracious gift.

Kelly R.:
Correct. Correct.

Ron Reigns:
Okay. That makes sense.

Kelly R.:
She may be angry and may want to be alone with the baby. She may be angry at the world for the situation that she’s in. She may be angry at herself for the choices that she’s made, that have led her to a place where she feels it’s better to not parent her child. She may be angry at everybody and anybody.

Ron Reigns:
Certainly.

Kelly R.:
She also may be angry at the adoptive family, because they’re the ones who are going to get to baby home and raise the baby. And it’s not that she has a specific reason to be angry at them, or that they did something wrong. Anger may manifest as other emotions.

Ron Reigns:
Such as?

Kelly R.:
Irritability, panic, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, fear, fatigue. She may just sleep all day. She may not want any visitors. She may not want to eat. She may start snapping at everybody. When we’re working with a woman who is placing a baby for adoption, it’s really anything goes.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, so it’s not just going to manifest itself as we would expect, just rage, and yelling-

Kelly R.:
Correct.

Ron Reigns:
It can just be silence, or so many other different manifestations of it.

Kelly R.:
Correct. She could be short, she could be curt, she could be angry. She could be a birth mom that is lashing out at the nurses. She could be yelling at everybody, but that’s not always the case when somebody is in the anger stage.

Kelly R.:
Moving on, the bargaining stage. This is where birth mothers start to re-look at their adoption plan. “Well, maybe I could keep the baby. Maybe I could work with Child Protective Services.”

Ron Reigns:
If my parents were….

or if whatever. Right.

Kelly R.:
Right, if my parents would step in, or if I had a friend that could help step in, or maybe I could go to rehab, and then raise the baby. Or maybe my baby could go into Child Protective Services for the next seven years, while I finish my incarceration sentence. And that’s where all of the options are entering in their head, and they’re trying to wrap their brain around, “What do I need to do to not feel this sadness and this grief, and I can’t process this.”

Kelly R.:
It could just simply be that she wants to look at the post-adoption communication agreement, and maybe she just wants to add in another visit. Or maybe she wants to do a complete overhaul in her adoption plan, and have it look different than she wanted it to look before.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, so it’s not always an all or nothing type of bargain.

Kelly R.:
Correct.

Ron Reigns:
It’s not always, “Okay, I don’t need the adoptive family. I could do this.” It might just be, “Hey, give me an extra phone call every month.” Or something like that.

Kelly R.:
You could compare this to when you are fishing, and you cast a net as wide as you can, to see how many fish you can get, and when those fish come in, if you’re only looking for bass, and you throw back that are not the ones you’re looking for. So she, in the bargaining stage, may cast out, “Okay, would this work? Would this work? Would this work? Would this work?”

Ron Reigns:
A very wide net.

Kelly R.:
Right, and, “Why wouldn’t this work? And why couldn’t I do this?” And that’s where she is wrapping her brain around-

Ron Reigns:
The situation.

Kelly R.:
… what is reality and what is not.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly R.:
Next is the depression stage. This is where a birth mother will feel like the roof is collapsing in on her. You may see some of the same emotions that you see in other stages of grief. You may see them replicate in different stages. There may be numbness, there may be silence, there may be increased fatigue. She may be crying. She may just be tearful. She may be in the full-blown ugly cry, to where it’s gut-wrenching.

Kelly R.:
She may be having panic, and anxiety, and this accompanied with tears is hard. This is another stage that is very hard to watch somebody that you love or care about go through. The best thing that, as a social worker, you can do is to sit with her and just be there.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah. Again, be strong for her.

Kelly R.:
Be strong for her. Agreed.

Kelly R.:
The last stage, and the best stage, is the acceptance stage. And this is where the birth mother has come to terms that she’s made the right choice, that she’s going to be okay, that her baby is going to be okay, and that she’s made a fantastic choice on which family that she has chosen. She has found peace in her heart, and she feels supported by others. That’s really key in the acceptance stage, is to be able to have that feeling of, “My family is backing me now. My friends are supporting me.” This is where she will have the ability to look forward to letters, and pictures, and visits with her baby, and the adoptive family if she chooses an open adoption.

Kelly R.:
She can start focusing on herself, and what she’s going to do with her life. Whether it’s go back and get a GED if she doesn’t have one, or maybe it’s going on a trip, or going back to…

Ron Reigns:
Cali. Sorry.

Kelly R.:
This is where she gets to look at adoption and feel the hero that she really is. This stage may come and go. She may find acceptance, and then she may flip back to anger, and then she-

Ron Reigns:
Or depression.

Kelly R.:
Or depression.

Ron Reigns:
Whichever.

Kelly R.:
And again, she can continue the cycle for as long as her body and brain take to work through it.

Ron Reigns:
Completely get through all this.

Kelly R.:
Correct.

Ron Reigns:
Very good.

Kelly R.:
When these things are happening, it is important for social workers, and hospital workers, to watch for signs of postpartum depression. Just because a birth mother is placing a baby for adoption does not mean she will not experience postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is very serious, and it is something that needs to be watched for with any woman that has delivered a baby.

Kelly R.:
There’s a book by Brooke Shields called Down Came the Rain. It is a book on postpartum depression. It is, in my opinion, one of the best books that has ever been written about postpartum depression, because of how real, raw, and honest Brooke Shields is in what she writes. She suffered with severe postpartum depression and is able to script it in such a way that women who may have had the same thoughts and feelings as she had can feel like they’re not alone.

Ron Reigns:
Right. And then also, for others who haven’t, can associate with it and understand-

Kelly R.:
They can understand the severity and the complexity of postpartum depression. And the warning signs. And those are really important things. When a birth mother is going through grief, and she is going through the five stages, healing and fulfillment is really important for her. For her to understand that grief is part of the adoption journey is key, because then she knows that she’s working through those stages of grief. She can embrace it. She can understand it. She can learn what the triggers are.

Kelly R.:
The triggers may be walking through Target and seeing baby car seats for sale. The trigger may be standing in line, and there’s a pregnant woman standing in front of her. The trigger may just be the name that she chose on someone’s folder or being called out at a doctor’s office. And if those triggers are able to be identified, then she can develop coping mechanisms so that she can address those triggers.

Ron Reigns:
Right. She can say, “Oh wait, I’m going through this right now, because I saw that couple with the baby down the street, and this is why I’m going through it. Okay.”

Kelly R.:
Correct.

Ron Reigns:
That makes total sense.

Kelly R.:
And once you have identified your triggers, and you’re able to develop coping mechanisms, then you’re going to be able to address and revisit those stages of grief at a much quicker pace. You’re not… You’re going to know that your body’s rhythm, and how your brain processes this. The other thing to remember is that grief is like an ocean. You have to learn how to ride the waves. Some are going to be really high, and they’re going to come at you really fast, and some are going to be low, and you’re going to learn how to ride them out.

Kelly R.:
So, grief takes on this… It’s almost like its own entity when it comes at you. And if you learn how to ride it, you’re going to be in a better position to deal with it.

Ron Reigns:
You’re going to be more successful.

Kelly R.:
One thing that is very helpful is counseling. Preferably one that has experience in adoption. Maybe the counselor that you worked with during your adoption journey, during your pregnancy, would be a very good option to spend a couple sessions with that person afterwards. Also, joining a birth mother support group. I know that we have one at the Donna K. Evans Foundation, where women can come in with a licensed counselor there present, and they’re able to talk about everything from their grief, to showing pictures of their baby, to discussing what they’re doing with the rest of their life.

Kelly R.:
It’s really important also to take care of yourself. When you are experiencing depression, it is very easy to not want to get out of bed, and not want to take a shower, and not move, and sleep, and shut the world out.

Ron Reigns:
Some of those things are hard enough for me as it is, but-

Kelly R.:
Well, you need to get out of bed.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly R.:
You need to take a shower.

Ron Reigns:
It’s a good start.

Kelly R.:
You need to walk. Go get the mail. Sometimes that, in and of itself, is an accomplishment. Taking a step is just a precursor to taking another one.

Ron Reigns:
There you go.

Kelly R.:
Making sure that you are taking care of yourself will slowly but surely exit you out of the depression stage. When you’re in a depression, it may seem easier to isolate yourself, but it’s the worst thing that you can do. The best thing that you can do is surround yourself with people who love and care about you, who understand what you’re going through, who respect your adoption choice, and can be there for you whether you’re having a good day or a bad day.

Kelly R.:
Try to engage in normal activities that previously have brought you joy. If it’s reading a book, or going to the movies, or going shopping, or taking your other kids to the park. Maybe it is playing solitaire on the computer. Anything. Anything that brought you joy.

Ron Reigns:
If it’s something that brings you happiness.

Kelly R.:
Do something.

Ron Reigns:
Good.

Kelly R.:
Because then you’re not dwelling on what’s bringing you sadness. Lastly, find your community. The birth mother community is really a community of birth mothers that have walked the same walk that you, the birth mother, has. Birds of a feather flock together. These are your people. This is your tribe. Birth mothers have told me over, and over, and over again, whether they’re in the office at the agency speaking to me, whether it’s conferences I’ve attended where birth mothers are the keynote speakers, birth mothers want to hear from other birth mothers. Until you have walked the birth mother walk, the majority of them don’t feel that you can truly understand what they’re experiencing.

Ron Reigns:
And belong to that tribe.

Kelly R.:
And belong to that tribe. A birth mother will prefer to speak to another birth mother over another person when they’re talking about the grief that they’re going through.

Ron Reigns:
Right. I would imagine even more so than say a family member, a sister, or mom, right?

Kelly R.:
Correct, because the birth mother who is in a mentorship position can give them hope that somebody who hasn’t walked the birth mother walk can give them. Somebody who has not had the adoption experience of placing a baby for adoption does not understand when the sun is going to rise. A birth mother that has done this, and has experienced this, and can relate to the lows, and the five stages of grief that a birth mother goes through, is going to have the ability to say, “I did this, I know how it feels, and this is when it’s going to better.” Those are priceless things to say to somebody who is in that spot.

Kelly R.:
As an adoption agency, we do everything we can to support our birth mothers. We understand that we, ourselves, are not birth mothers, but we do care. We do want to help. We can provide services. We do have opportunities for other birth mothers to connect with birth mothers who have placed for adoption through the after care program. And although there are stages of grief in adoption for a birth mother, there are so many amazing things, that grief is just one aspect of the journey.

Ron Reigns:
If you’re facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption, a licensed adoption agency is your best option. Local licensed adoption agencies can meet with you face to face, hold your hand when needed, and can remain with you throughout your pregnancy. In addition, you can visit your case worker after placement. Building Arizona Families is a licensed adoption agency in Arizona that can walk with you every step of the way.

Ron Reigns:
We would love to hear from you and find out how we can help. You can call or text 24/7 at 623-695-4112, that’s 623-695-4112. Thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters In Adoption, written and produced by Kelly Rourke-Scarry, and edited by Ron Reigns. We also want to thank Building Arizona Families, the Donna K. Evans Foundation, and the You Before Me campaign. A special thanks goes out to Grapes, for letting us use their song I Don’t Know as our theme song. You can check out our blogs on our website at azpregnancyhelp.com. For Kelly Rourke-Scarry, I’m Ron Reigns. We’ll see you then.